Thursday, January 25, 2007

Alpha Males, anyone?

There's a funny e-mail that makes the rounds every few years or so that was supposedly written by some fed-up guys who wanted women to know "the rules" from a man's point of view. You know, so we'd know how men really think. The last time I read it, I realized that it's not so much funny as it is ... true.
I grew up with four brothers and it's pretty clear to me that guys just don't care about the same things women do.

When I'm reading a romance, I can usually tell when the author hasn't spent a lot of time around men. If the male character is too nice, too flowery, too thoughtful. You know what I'm talking about, right? it doesn't ring true. I'll usually put the book down and go find something with a little more meat to it.

That's why I like this list. I'm convinced it's how they think. I like to read it over whenever I'm trying to get into the mindset and attitude of my latest cranky alpha male.

So here they are.

The Rules

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. All men see only in 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A COLOR! Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will BE scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know that you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

23. You have ENOUGH clothes.

24. You have TOO MANY shoes.

25. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.



Blogger Jennifer said...

I love this! So true. I grew up with two brothers, and I have three sons, plus a husband.

I'm like you Kate, I'll take my males, alpha please. That's what makes them so interesting, they aren't girls.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Maureen Child said...

LOLOL.......Kate, that was great! Plus hey, bonus, very gorgeous guys!!

These are all so true! I've got one brother, my husband has FOUR and everyone of them thinks just like this list! Men are so easy.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Kate Carlisle said...

Hey Jen - You're surrounded by guys, too! No wonder your hero in the Sex on the Beach Book Club was so right on! *g*

Maureen, your heroes are always fabulous, too! I think it really helps to have all those men in our more ways that one, wink wink!

11:58 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Too funny, Kate! What a great list.:-)

Love the pix, too.

Have a great weekend...


11:33 AM  
Blogger Christine Rimmer said...

Love this, Kate! And I'm with the rest of the crew--it's all true, from my experience of living in an all-guy household. Even my two cats are guys...or, er...they were. Before the big snip-snip, I mean. And even if Tom isn't an actual tom anymore, he's still all-guy at heart!

8:02 AM  
Blogger Kate Carlisle said...

Hi Michele!

Hey Chris -- you're surrounded by males, too. It's an epidemic! LOL We're all so lucky!

6:54 AM  
Blogger Meretta said...

ROLOL. Every one of those items...TRUE! My DH to a tee. Thanks for the giggle, Kate. :)

7:49 PM  

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